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@Smiilze: "LOLZ"? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
@SufficientCharm: A woman isn't really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
@dshack8: 'He looks just like you' is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
@lizetagge: The closest I've been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop...
@Home_Halfway: [Starbucks meeting]
ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha
BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer
@ProdigyNelson: Doctor: we saved your dad but he's part owl now
Son: Dad it's me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too