@twitdeedum: I was going to do the dishes but they weren't in the mood.

@ahoytheboat: i wear my ninja turtles costume on all of my first dates just to weed out the weirdos.

@ArfMeasures: INTERVIEWER: When did u last work? ME [shrugs] Months ago INTERVIEWER: That's a long time not to be employed ME: Oh no I'm still employed

@dumbbeezie: When someone says they have a surprise I quickly tell myself it's probably not cake. I'm tired of the let down.

@pixelatedboat: Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don't fall out of a helicopter