The Punning Dead.
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free