Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao