Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.