*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
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7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four