my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.