“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda