@weinerdog4life: Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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@goldengateblond: The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
@huntigula: I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
@batkaren: When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it's an existing yeast infection medication.
@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]