@weinerdog4life: Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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@shutupmikeginn: I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, 'change color and escape in a cloud of ink'
@dmc1138: This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
@lovemydogduck: The only times I go for a jog is when there's a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.