@weinerdog4life: Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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@huntigula: WIFE: You know, you're my best friend! Am I your best friend? ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
@LoveNLunchmeat: The good news is I'm pretty much who I say I am. The bad news is I'm pretty much who I say I am.
@meganamram: I don't need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me