Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Optional boss fight.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*