Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.