@bazecraze: "Long story short" makes your story three words longer.
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@internetluke: [cops showing wife my body] "Why is he 50m from where he got shot?" "Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history"
@krisv_723: On Sunday's I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it's not working & I own their soul.
@sixfootcandy: My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client's tampon during a bikini wax. I guess she doesn't remember me.