“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
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[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.