Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
You Might Also Like
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.