Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️