I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Battery falling down a hole
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no