Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Lmbo
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
I’m not proud
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN