LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
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When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I have a new favorite meme page
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
then why did i get this email
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.