@TheMichaelRock: Look, all I'm saying is that the dinosaurs didn't drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
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@chimneyspotter: *opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out* But that means [cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
@JWilsonGA: No, PSA, buzzed driving isn't drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.
@HatfieldAnne: Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don't hold their breath as long as I do.
@grammar_c**t: "I love you" can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to "I got this round."