YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
No chill.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
What if all the cashiers are married?
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.