In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
My dad.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
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