Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
You Might Also Like
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
What flavor cupcake are these
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.