Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
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Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.