Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
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Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Godspeed, John Glenn
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”