@tastefactory: Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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@ItsAndyRyan: WIFE: I can't believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
@mikealfredcaine: my grandad came to this country with four pounds in his pocket, my nan was holding a suitcase full of cash & heroin
@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.
@zachreinert03: I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it's cause family day never really took off