Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
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“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
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I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes