Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
#Caturday
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
🤣🤣💀
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *