Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
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My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer