@carlyken: Look Disney all I'm saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I'd make her clean up that shit too.
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@murrman5: [family hears me pull in driveway] wife: please don't wrestling announcer: sorry ma'am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
@Breadery: Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.
@PetrickSara: The most horrifying thing I've ever heard: "MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!"