If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
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why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
The happy life.. 😊
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.