@carlyken: Look Disney all I'm saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I'd make her clean up that shit too.
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@PeachCoffin: I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
@AimeeHelene1: 1st day of hunting season: *puts on camo* *climbs up in tree stand* *waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
@david8hughes: [first day as homicide detective] Cop: any signs of forced entry? Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
@hasht4g: Taco Bell doesn't have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can't climb, or run.