Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.