Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
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just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
October already? What’s next? November????
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”