when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
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Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE