I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport