AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
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Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.