“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
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Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Otters drive ottermobiles.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
selena gomez