Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
road rage
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.