Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
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If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Meat Cute
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too