If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.