[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
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[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.