I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
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Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.