@wickedsuga: Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I'm going to have to get out.
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@Breadery: Officer: Sir, we have reports you've trained this bird to injure passersby. Me: Ridiculous! O: The pet's name? M: Paul the Attack Canary.
@Storminika: I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
@LeBearGirdle: Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage? Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
@Jawwwwwsh: Idea: spotify notifies ur friends when they think ur sad like "josh listened to Deja Entendu 30 times this week, Maybe buy him ice cream?"