My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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Happy Friday
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.