@Tmoney68: Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.
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@handsock_butts: SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like- ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS SE: -on your sub? ME: PUPPERONI
@drankturpentine: JOB INTERVIEWER: says you’re biggest weakness is typos? ME: actually that should say tide pods
@thatUPSdude: Her: You didn't come to my Halloween party! Me: Yes I did Her: No, what were you? Me: A ninja Her: I didn't see you Me: Like I said "ninja"