Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
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Risking my life for fun.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
For the orator and chef in all of us
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste