[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
john wicks are toilet candles
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”