FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
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Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
welp
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat