“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
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Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Still a very good boi….
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts