i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.