Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Y’all know who you are.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Unexpected Judgment
wut hotdog?
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.