[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
You Might Also Like
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Namaste
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!