look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
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Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck